Reader-submitted joke

Reader-Submitted Joke – Bagpipes at a Funeral

A bagpiper who plays many gigs was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost and, being a typical man, didn’t stop for directions.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt very badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. Not knowing what else to do, he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he’d never played before for this homeless man. And as he played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together.

When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently he was still pretty lost.

Reader-Submitted Joke of the Week – January 9, 2012

The Chief of Staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed that a new Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!”

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man says, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

Reader-Submitted Joke of the Week – Highways

Submitted by William Mann

It had been a quiet night at the local bar so far, but then the door was thrown open, and an interstate highway strode in.

“I’m an interstate highway,” he declared. “I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I’m the best of the highways, and I’m afraid of no highway and no road.” He then strode up to the bar, ordered a beer, and began drinking it while looking around.

A short time later, a four-lane highway came in, went to the end of the bar, and ordered a beer. The interstate looked him over and walked over to him. “I’m an interstate highway,” he declared. “I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I’m the best of the highways, and I’m not afraid of you.”

The four-lane highway said, “I agree that you’re the best. I don’t want any trouble with you. Let me buy you a beer,” and he did. They drank their beers and discussed their engineering specifications.

After a half hour, the door opened again and a two-lane road came in, went to the other end of the bar, and ordered a beer. The interstate looked him over and told the four-lane highway that he had to take care of the new arrival. He walked over to the two-lane road and said, “I’m an interstate highway. I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I’m the best of the highways, and I’m not afraid of you.”

The two-lane road quivered a bit and said, “You’re absolutely right. You are the best of the highways. I’m just a lowly two-lane road. I don’t want any trouble. Can I buy beers for you and the four-lane highway?” The interstate motioned the four-lane highway to come over. The two-lane road bought beers for each of them, and the three of them drank their beers and discussed the merits of various paving materials.

After another half hour, the door opened again and a strip of asphalt about eight feet wide came in. The interstate highway ducked behind the bar and hid there quivering quietly. The bartender was shocked.

After serving the asphalt strip, he walked over to where the interstate was hiding. “I watched you stand up to the four-lane highway and the two-lane road. You said you weren’t afraid of any highway or road. Why are you hiding from that little asphalt strip?”

The interstate replied quietly, “It’s true that I’m not afraid of any highway or road, but he’s a cycle path!”

Reader-Submitted Joke of the Week for September 6, 2011

Submitted by William Mann

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence. He had no trouble with discipline the rest of the year.

Reader-Submitted Joke

Submitted by William Mann

During the Revolutionary War, there were British sympathizers known as Tories among the colonists. Some of them would work hand-in-hand with the Redcoats to try to foil the battle plans of the Continental Army.

After a certain skirmish, a group of General Washington’s men tracked one of these sympathizers to a farm, which they searched for hours, without success.

A militiaman then came up with the idea to release a hen into a barn where they suspected the fugitive might be hiding.

Sure enough, loud cackling and commotion quickly ensued, and the soldiers were finally able to take their prisoner into custody. This was the first known instance where someone had a chicken catch a Tory.

Reader Submitted Joke – Miracle Gas

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic!”

Joke of the Week – June 13, 2011

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories–Tom will crack jokes.
The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story. They then started up the steps
After 2 hours it was Harry’s turn. He turned to the other two and said, “Ok guys, here’s my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.”
Source: http://www.cleanjoke.com/humor/600-Story-Hotel.html

Joke of the Week – House Advantage

“This house,” said the real estate salesman, “has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a manure plant a block north.”
“What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.
“The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”

Source: http://www.justcleanjokes.com/jokes/Miscellaneous/House_Advantage.html

Joke of the Week

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees. When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, “That’s it for you. No honey for a week.” Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, “Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week.” After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy’s mother stomping on cockroaches. The little boy turned to his father and said, “Should I tell her or should you?”

Reader-Submitted Joke

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. “If you get a train,” I would tell each one, “you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?”
The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, “Another train.”